Bitter.

Time for a Fun with Fertility update:

I saw my doctor on Monday and it did not go well. At least, it did not go the way I thought it would. I'm still pissed off. She and I had discussed me going on Clomid when I last saw her in October. We also discussed my weight, which was of concern to her, but not as much as my rapidly advancing age. So we agreed (I thought) that I would go on Clomid this month, see how that worked or not, and then go from there. I've had numerous ultrasounds, uterine surgeries, and so on due to cysts and polyps. But other than wacky ovulation and Extreme Periods (and the potential for Brian to be shooting blanks), there is nothing wrong with my lady bits.

She is a popular OB/GYN, so she is very, very busy. I understand that. Things happen and babies are born unexpectedly, so I understand that too. I've had more than one appointment with her rescheduled due to her delivering a baby. Yesterday my appointment was at 3:15. I didn't see her until almost 4. Then she proceeded to tell me that she wants me to lose an additional 30 pounds by May and that she'll consider Clomid then. But Brian has to get a sperm analysis done first. She wasn't mean about the weight, but she went on and on about it (and I've actually lost over 20 pounds this last year, but still...). I know I need to lose more, but I honestly don't think it's that huge of a deal. But it is to her all of a sudden. So now I have to work my ass off to lose a ton of weight. I know I can do it, but it just makes me feel like I've been a fat, lazy slob who hasn't really been serious and now I'm paying the price. Or something. I don't think it was intentional on her part, but I felt an undercurrent of "well, if you were really serious about getting pregnant, you would have lost more weight to begin with."

So the kicker is that when I go to schedule my appointment in May- for a pap and follow up on Clomid- I am told that her next available appointment is on JULY 30! I got pissed again and was told that I would be put on her cancellation list for May. If May comes and I do not get to see her, I am pitching a big-ass fit (with my hopefully less-than-big ass) and if that does not work, I am changing doctors. I really like her, but maybe they need to stop accepting patients at her office so that she has a little more time.

I told Brian last night that he has to jerk off into a cup at some point in the near future and while he's not overjoyed, he'll do it. I can understand why the doctor wants that test done, of course, but in October she made it sound like it was the next step if Clomid didn't work. One of my coworkers is currently on her last round of Clomid and her husband will get a sperm analysis done if this round doesn't work.

Sooo...now I just feel fat and angry and defective and a little like maybe this just isn't going to happen. Which is silly. We've been trying for not quite a year, which really isn't all that long, but I am almost 36. It's not going to get any easier from here on out. I was looking forward to taking the next step and it looks like the only steps will be on the damn treadmill.

No worries: I don't plan on going on and on about this, but right now I'm just really fucking disappointed.

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